For pure, unbridled insanity, the Old Testament cannot be beat. Fratricide, filicide, incest, rape, glorified murder, not to mention all the disgusting begatting (oh Christ the begatting!), the list is long and distinguished, much like Rick “Slider” Rossovich’s “johnson,” which is what Top Gun pilots call their meat-sticks (penises). Dick jokes momentarily aside, God put his children through some horrible shit in the Old Testament, often for insane reasons, but some of them had it coming. Learn these life lessons well kiddies. Avoid God’s wrath.
Mom always was salty.
The Wife of Lot
Then the Lord rained on Sodom and Gomorrah sulphur and fire from the Lord out of heaven; and he overthrew those cities, and all the Plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and what grew on the ground. But Lot’s wife, behind him, looked back, and she became a pillar of salt. – Genesis 19:24-26.
With her husband offering the depraved Sodomites his virginal daughters as an angel-rape substitute, being turned into a pillar of salt and damned for all eternity, and watching said Canaanite ratsnakes seduce their drunk father into an incestuous ménage from the comfort of hell, it is easy to sympathize with Lot’s wife. But ol’ girl fucked up biblically, and that is unforgivable. Lot’s wife is the red shirt-wearing crewman #6 in this story. Not given a name, doomed from the outset and mentioned only briefly, her death demonstrates the gravity of the situation and Kirk doesn’t give a space shit when she dies.
The Lots weren't the only Sodomites to escape, televangelist meth-boi Ted Haggard also made it out.
Before God destroyed the cities of the plain (Sodom, Gomorrah, Admah, and Zeboim) along with their turdburglarizing citizenry, he sent angels down to Sodom to check out the scene and see if there were any Sodomites worth saving. While any red-blooded Religious Right dickweed knows that finding a sodomite worth saving is a fruit-filled endeavor, the angels miraculously stumbled upon Lot loitering by the Sodomite gate. After Lot protects the angels (appearing in male form no less) from being gang-cornholed by the men of Sodom, they decided to deliver him and his fam, saying, “Save yourselves with all haste. Look not behind you. Get as fast as you are able to the mountain, unless you be involved in the calamity of the city.” What does Lot’s wife do as her family flees Sodom? She fucking looks back.
Given the option of: (1) not looking back and going to heaven, or (2) looking back and becoming a hell-bound pillar of salt, she chose the latter. If Lot’s wife participated in Walter Mischel’s “marshmallow experiment,” testing children’s ability to delay instant gratification in order to obtain a larger reward later, she would probably be put in the sociopathic drug-addled monkey-rapist category, which means that she ate everyone’s marshmallow and then farted in their mouths. The lesson in all of this? If God sends angels to save you, do what they say. There is no leeway and failure means that you get turned into a pillar of salt and your family starts boning each other. Just do it.
The Philistine Captors of Samson
Ooh, Samson, your hair is to die for.
She let him fall asleep on her lap; and she called a man, and had him shave off the seven locks of his head. He began to weaken, – and his strength left him…So the Philistines seized him and gouged out his eyes. They brought him down to Gaza and bound him with bronze shackles; and he ground at the mill in the prison. But the hair of his head began to grow again after it had been shaved. – Judges 16:19-22.
God gave Samson Herculean strength of the Jew to deliver the Israelites from the Philistines and perform heroic feats such as wrestling a lion, slaying an army of 1,000 with a donkey jawbone (slaying meaning killing, not in the traditional love-making sense), and destroying a temple. When some dickless Philistine nancy boy refused to let Samson marry his daughter, he attached torches to the tails of 300 foxes and turned the terrified, adorable forest critters loose, burning the cockblocker’s fields to the ground. Also really awesome at riddles, Samson was probably the coolest dude ever.
As the coolest dude ever, Samson fucking loved the box, regularly laying with harlot’s and smearing his thick, creamy Jew load all over those Judean Hills. One day while traveling through the Valley of Sorek, riding Battle Cat and contemplating an attack against Skeletor and the Snake Men, Samson fell in love with fair Delilah. The Philistines, seizing an opportunity to capture their arch-nemesis using the oldest trick in the book, sweet Sorekian gash, approached Delilah and offered her coins silver to discover the secret of Samson’s strength. After nagging the shit out of him and delivering a devastating combination of fierce HJs, Delilah learned that as a Nazirite, Samson was forbidden from cutting his hair, and once cut, God would desert him and steal his strength like the all-knowing succubus that he is.
Samson during his blonde mullet phase.
His head shaved, the Philistines jumped Samson, stabbed out his eyeballs, put him to work at the prison mill and trotted him out to be ridiculed by the unholy masses during religious celebrations. Not a bad PR move really, except that they forgot to cut his fucking hair. Below is an actual question from the Philistine Prison Guard Exam.
Question: You have successfully captured your mortal enemy, strongest man in the world Samson, sans bloodshed by cutting his hair. The secret to Samson’s strength is his sweet, kinky heebfro. Samson will remain powerless as long as you cut his fucking hair. What do you do?
(a) Kill him.
(b) Cut his hair regularly.
(c) Scalp him. Remove hair follicles.
(d) Stab out his eyes and let his hair grow. Make snarky comments.
If you are a Philistine, the correct answer is (d). If you’re not an asshat-wearing moron, the correct answer is (a)-(c). Actually, anything other than (d) is the correct answer. Predictably, Samson, with a full head of hair, is able to destroy the temple, killing himself and scores of those Philistine bastards. The lesson? Kill your enemy while he is bald and powerless. Also prison reform.
Noah, I said one of each sex.
The Hecklers of Noah
Then the Lord said to Noah, “Go into the ark, you and all your household, for I have seen that you alone are righteous before me in this generation. Take with you seven pairs of all clean animals, the male and its mate…For in seven days I will send rain on the earth for forty days and forty nights; and every living thing that I have made I will blot out from the face of the ground.” – Genesis 7:1-4.
The story is well-known. God decided to save Noah and his family from the Flood, even the in-laws, commanding him to build a giant wooden ark and place a pair of each animal in it, thus preserving the fauna (but not that sinful flora), and assuring the inbrededness of all living creatures. God doesn’t respect how essential a large, diverse gene pool is and thinks tards are illarious, which they are. Also freakishly strong. Not only did hexacentenarian Noah have to build the Ark while wearing sandals and a mu’umu’u, but did so while an unruly, drunken sinner crowd berated him mercilessly, thus teaching Christian tots that staying on the righteous path is more important than having friends or self-esteem even.
But what is the lesson here really? If a 600 year-old man is building a 300 by 50 by 30 cubit (1 cubit = 1.5 feet) wooden ship and claiming that the end of the world is nigh, it is probably a good idea to lend a hand, or at least befriend him. Dude had three sons of different races when he was 500 years old, named his red son Shem, after his favorite Stooge, his white son Japheth, after some ancient Japanese ethnic slur, and his black son Ham, after fucking ham. You don’t mock a man like that, you help him build his insanity ship and pray he drops some knowledge loads on your filthy, upturned, hooplehead face.
Lies, all lies.
Shockingly, there is no mention of these federlines in the Bible and it is becoming increasingly clear that the gutterstrumpets over at Hanna Barbera will stop at nothing to disseminate their responsibility-preaching propaganda filth. Fuck you “Greatest Adventure Stories From the Bible,” fuck you. Did you make up time-traveling teen adventurers Derek, Margo, and their nomad friend Moki as well? Is nothing sacred? Here is Snagglepuss to comment: “Heavens to Murgatroid! Those Barbera nogoodniks turned me into a homo even. For shame even. Exit, stage left!” Thank you, Snagglepuss, for that nonsensical exclamation. You would exit stage left.
