We are lost. Standing at the precipice, screaming into the growing darkness, scrambling frantically to claw back into the warm sunshine as the ground below us falls angrily into the sea, we are dinosaurs in the age of rodents. Too dumb and too big to survive, unable and unwilling to evolve, we are a doomed race of adolescent hooligans for whom there can be no adulthood. Our government broken, our environment poisoned, our nation bankrupt, our people impoverished, our military impotent as we toil under the yoke of expired responsibilities, we have sown the seeds of our downfall. And as this heartbreaking realization slowly seeps into our atrophied brains, to whom do we turn? The Apocalypse upon us, we look now to that which we know to be true: the Catholic Church, unselfish, beating back the darkness, holds our interests at heart, our salvation above all. Wait, scratch that, reverse it: the Catholic Church, selfish, beating back the lawsuits, holds their financial interests at heart, their reputation above all…and they facilitated child molestation. We are alone in a perilous sea children, and we don’t know how to swim. Where are our fucking parents? This is goddamn bullshit.
The Boston Massacre (of little boys innocence): A Scandal Begins
Did I know about the rapings? You're goddamn right I did.
Although tales of Catholic priests’ abuse of children first surfaced in the 1980s and 90s, the issue did not thrust its way into the national consciousness until the Boston Globe’s 2002 coverage of a series of successful criminal prosecutions of five Boston-area Roman Catholic priests. Cardinal Bernard “Only God Can Judge Me” Law, the Boston Archdiocese’s bishop at the time, initially characterized these as isolated incidents. As church documents became available as a result of the legal actions, however, and as more alleged victims, empowered by the public outrage, began to come forward, it became clear that clergy abuse was a systemic problem in the Boston Archdiocese, involving many priests and hundreds of child victims.
Unfortunately for this dapper gentleman, his name is also Paul Shanley.
In response to the abuse, church leaders orchestrated a decades-long systemic cover-up through an elaborate culture of secrecy, deception, and intimidation. Victims who came forward with abuse claims were ignored or bribed into silence. Accused priests were quietly transferred from parish to parish or sent for brief periods of psychological counseling, after which they continued diddling junior believers. For example, one of Cardinal Law’s top deputies wrote convicted child rapist Reverend Paul “The Irish Taint Tickler” Shanley, a “street priest” and “sexual expert” specializing in homosexual runaways, a letter of recommendation when he transferred to a California church despite possessing detailed information that he had numerous abuse allegations against him and even publicly advocated for NAMBLA. The archdiocese allowed Shanley to donkey-punch his way through Bostonian street urchins like a pederastic Napoleon collecting Germanic road apples because they didn’t want to mess around with the fruity little bastards. But Shanley did. Given free rein by his supervisors, Shanley proved unstoppable, his thirst for at-risk youth wiener unquenchable.
Nice to see you father. Have a seat over there. What was your plan here today?
Despite claims of innocence, Cardinal Law and his cronies possessed extensive information on many of the archdiocese’s most serious molesters. Church officials did not remove most abusive clergymen from parish ministry until decades of allegations had accumulated against them and it became clear that their removal was necessary to protect the Church’s reputation and assets. Confronted with reports of rape, grab-assing, games of musical laps, unchecked hornswoggling, and the trading of drugs for delicious boi sex, church leaders made no effort to inform law enforcement authorities or party pooper Chris Hansen. They did nothing. When the mother of an altar strumpet inquired whether Father Joseph “The Boston Creamsicler” Birmingham, later accused of polishing over 50 boys’ tabernacles during his 29 year career, had a history of molesting children, Cardinal Law responded that he had spoken to Birmingham, who assured him that the allegations were untrue. Case closed bitch.
Cardinal Law, unable to weather the storm created by his aiding and abetting child molesters, ultimately resigned as bishop and received a choice Vatican gig from Pope John Paul II, “The Pedophile’s Pope,” as a reward for his outstanding work in the field of crushing children’s souls. Way to climb the corporate ladder kumquat.
Holy Valtrex: The Scandal Spreads
Who has a penis? BOYS! Who has a vagina? GIRLS!
Unfortunately, and like most terrible things (Aerosmith, Benzino, insufferable accents, Super AIDS (ok not Super AIDS)(still Aerosmith)), Boston was just the beginning. As the scandal ripped through the U.S. Catholic community like oral herpes at a Rutgers make-out party and other dioceses began confronting abusive clergy in their ranks, it became clear that in the latter half of the 20th century, priests and lay members of religious orders had sexually abused minors on a monstrous scale. The John Jay Report, a comprehensive study commissioned in 2004 by the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) and covering the period of 1950-2002, found that allegations were made against 4,392 U.S. priests, that 6,700 of the 7,700 allegations investigated by dioceses were substantiated, and that the problem affected more than 95 percent of dioceses and approximately 60 percent of religious communities. The Report further stated that, like the achievements of the feminist movement in the U.S., the number of alleged abuses increased in the 1960s, peaked in the 1970s, declined in the 1980s, and by the 1990s had returned to the levels of the 1950s. This is what happens when you challenge male-dominated society. Stay at home. Bake blowjob pies.
Is some pedophile molesting your child? You want revenge? Call 1-900-GO-WHITEY and let US do YOUR dirty work!
According to the Report, 6% of all priests against whom allegations were made received convictions and about 2% received prison sentences, with at least one priest getting romper stompered by white supremacists. This conviction rate is only slightly higher than that of black pop stars, or blop stars, accused of bad-touching minors, with the acquittals of R. Kelly and Michael Jackson (twice) keeping it at a so-fresh-and-so-clean-clean 0%. (With apologies to Outkast).
A major aggravating factor in the scandal was the policy of many bishops to keep these crimes secret and to reassign the accused to other parishes in positions where they continued to have unsupervised contact with youth. Instead of reporting the incidents to police, many dioceses forced offending priests to undergo psychological treatment and assessment. According to the John Jay Report, nearly 40% of priests alleged to have committed sexual abuse participated in treatment programs. In response to withering criticism that the Catholic hierarchy mismanaged the handling of pederastic priests, bishops claimed they acted on the “best medical advice available at the time,” that they were unaware of the danger this policy posed. Despite this awesomely asstarded defense, known as the “let’s put Rick James in charge of the crack-cocaine and female hostage store” defense, over the course of 2002, five U.S. prelates resigned due to child sex scandals, in addition to the four that had resigned previously.
Pissing on A House Aflame: The Church’s Response
The Church’s response to the scandal proceeded on three levels: the diocesan level, the Episcopal (bishops) Conference level, and the Vatican. Prior to the Boston Globe coverage of the sexual abuse scandal in the Boston Archdiocese, handling of such allegations was largely left to the individual bishops’ discretion, which often used their discretion to facilitate kiddie throttling. As the breadth and depth of the scandal became apparent in dioceses across the U.S., however, the Ameribishops decided that the scandal warranted a joint response at the Episcopal Conference level.
Safe Place! (To fondle black children) (also Gary Coleman)(and Emmanuel Lewis).
In 2002, the USCCB throbbed into action and unanimously approved the Charter for the Protection of Children and Young People. The purpose of the Charter is to provide a “safe environment” for all children in Church-sponsored activities by adopting a “zero-tolerance” policy for sexual abuse, requiring background checks for all church employees, and further requiring dioceses confronted with an allegation to alert the authorities, investigate the charges, and remove the accused from duty. The Charter signaled a departure from the previous policy, developed in partnership with the pro-pedophilia Children of God cult and published under the title, “Erotic Excellence or Jesus Will Love You If: Young Believer’s Trust and Your Penis,” also available in audio book form as narrated by sexual renegade and playdate rapist Roman Polanski.
Did I know about the rapings? You bet your sweet ass I did.
In April 2001, Pope John Paul II, notorious for shielding accused priests and torpedoing their investigations during his papacy, attempted to get ahead of the scandal and issued a letter condemning the sexual abuse of minors as a “delictum gravius.” Oh, they licked them alright. The Vatican responsibly chose not to respond to the scandal until 2003, when JP II reiterated his no-tolerance “stance” and the Vatican organized a conference of Vatican officials and psychiatric experts to understand the “problem.” The experts found several factors contributed to the sexual abuse problem: failure by the hierarchy to grasp the seriousness of the problem, overemphasis on the need to avoid a scandal, use of unqualified treatment centers, misguided willingness to forgive, insufficient accountability, belief in magic and the healing power of laughter, and being completely out of touch with reality.
Yeah, I'm molesting one right now. What? No, he can't hear us.
The current pontiff, Pope Benedict XVI nee Ratzinger, has repeatedly apologized for the abuse amid criticism that he mishandled and even ignored allegations while head of the Vatican’s watchdog, the Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith. One such mishandling, and a good example of how the Vatican and Cardinal Ratzinger dealt with allegations of abuse, is the case of Friar Lawrence “The Milwaukee Meatpuppet” Murphy, a Wisconsin priest who allegedly handled 200 deaf boys at the St. Francis School for the Deaf between 1950 and 1974. Even though under the U.S Constitution, a deaf boy only counts for 3/5 of a real boy, that still amounts to 120 Herman Kellers handled in the frigid horribleness of Wisconsin. The Vatican claims that it was not informed of the abuse until 1996 when an archbishop wrote Cardinal Ratzinger and requested disciplinary proceedings against Murphy. A canonical trial ensued, but Ratzinger halted the proceedings after Murphy wrote him a heartfelt letter asking that, since he was ill, he be allowed to live the remainder of his life in the “dignity of my priesthood.” Although molesting deaf children is genius – the other children can’t hear them scream and they already sound like they have a mouthful of penis – it is neither challenging nor dignified. Have some fucking pride Larry. Larry you fucking asshole.
Did I know about the rapings? Does a bear crap in the woods? And does the Pope crap on the broken lives and dreams of 200 deaf boys? (Yes).
Attempting to redefine the Church’s pedophilia problem as a homosex one, the Vatican issued new rules, informally called “Freddy Mercury’s Law,” disallowing ordination of men with “deep-seated homosexual tendencies” or “exceedingly creepy moustaches.” The gays were super pissed, fabulously flamboyant outrage ensued, and they threatened to keister a bunch of holy stuff in retaliation à la Linda Blair in “The Exorcist.” The power of Christ compels you! Oh, and you. In 2009, Archbishop Silvano Maria Tomasi argued that because 80 to 90% of the abuse cases involved adolescent boys between the ages of 11 and 17, these predator priests are not pedophiles, those possessing a sexual attraction to prepubescent children, but rather ephebophiles, those with a shine for teenage boy anus. For the record, unless you are Don Johnson (14-year-old Melanie Griffith), Jerry Lee Lewis (his 13-year-old cousin), or live in Afghanistan (dancing boys), ephebophilia is still a crime.
Recently, the Vatican has followed a policy of apologizing without accepting responsibility, blaming the scandal on “sin within the Church,” attacking media criticism of Benedict, and linking pedophilia with homosexuality. In response to calls for a universal set of rules for bishops confronting abuse, the Vatican has failed to implement desperately needed reforms like allowing individual dioceses to defrock abusers instead of demanding time-consuming and inefficient canonical trials, mandating that bishops report molesters to civil authorities, or even requiring them to alert parishes and communities where predators worked. They did, however, publish some nifty recommendations on their website and issued new rules equating pedophilia with the ordination of women (REALLY bad). Way to inspire confidence dudes.
The Part Where We Take Their Stuff: The Fallout
"Kiyah! Let's gobble some scrotums!" - Larry King, Scrotum Goblin
Aside from the resignation of bishops accused of covering up abuse or being scrotum-gobbling scrotum goblins, individual dioceses have suffered serious financial consequences. By the end of 2009, the various dioceses had paid out settlements totaling $1.269 billion to over 1,835 victims. In order to protect their assets from greedy “victims” and continue their good work, several dioceses filed for bankruptcy, including those of San Diego, Portland, and Poundtown. Recently, a U.S. appeals court allowed a lawsuit brought by a Oregon man against the Vatican to move forward, stating that the predator priest who molested the man could be considered the Vatican’s employee, making them potentially liable for damages. Welcome to America fuckheads; our God is money, and apparently, so is yours.
The Great American Fuck You
In summary: (1) during the second half of the 20th century, a small percentage of U.S. priests sexually abused thousands of children; (2) abuse occurred in the majority of U.S. dioceses and religious communities; (3) in many instances, rather than confront the problem or punish offenders, church leaders attempted to cover up the abuse; (4) the Vatican stonewalled bishops that turned to them for assistance; (5) the Vatican has failed to implement any real changes in the way it handles abuse cases and is apparently unwilling to alter church procedures and governance to prevent future abuse. They are trying to ride this thing out.
What now? Fuck ‘em. They are pathetic. Beware superstitious celibates in silly costumes; they are not for us. Sue them until the streets run red with the ink from their balance sheets and their houses are turned into shopping malls. Abandon the past. Embrace our fledgling dystopia. Who knows, in a few years it might be as awesome as alternate-universe Hill Valley in Back to the Future Part II. See you at Biff’s Casino. Bring some guns. And cocaine.
And now, a poem based on President Whitmore’s speech in the documentary Independence Day.
Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night
Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rage at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Though wise men at their end know dark is right, Because their words had forked no lightning they Do not go gentle into that good night. Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay, Rage, Rage against the dying of the light. Wild men who cause and sang the sun in flight, And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way, Do not go gentle into that good night. Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light. And you, my father, there on the sad height, Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.- Dylan Thomas
