Herro children! The time has come for frivolity and fun. Disaster is in the air. America looks vulnerable, crippled by the very political system that brought about our fading greatness. Our government hijacked by a tiny minority of maniacal assholes whose political ideology is so far to the right that they refuse to “left foot let’s stomp,” the future is not bright, and we don’t have to wear shades. Sorry Timbuk3, but the world is a much darker place than it was in the salad days of 1986, and we may never return to the Ronald Reagan-Top Gun-Hands Across America heyday of that glorious year. In times like these, it is important to remember that the U.S. wasn’t always the only nation on our slice of the continent, and that one day, may not be again.
Vermont Republic
No one calls Allen a fag, no one.
In January 1777, following controversy between the holders of New York and New Hampshire land grants, Ethan Allen (the furniture guy) and his Green Mountain Boys militia suppressed British sympathizers. Deaf to their cries of “We won’t do anything! We are pussies!”, Allen, tired of being called a fag every time they bummed a cigarette, suppressed the fuck out of them. On January 15, 1777, delegates from regional towns declared their independence from New Hampshire and New York because it is a brilliant idea to declare independence during a war for independence.
Slave polo reenactors.
Ratified in 1777, the Constitution of Vermont was the first in the New World to outlaw slavery and grant all men suffrage regardless of property ownership, an idealistic framework which history would again and again prove unworkable because the poor are gullible and the rich NEED slaves. How are they supposed to play slave polo and smell their own delicious farts when they have to wash the dishes? Fuck liberals.
Vermont did not achieve statehood until 1791 when New York agreed to relinquish its land claims for $30,000, and it was admitted into the Union as a non-slaving holding counterweight to Kentucky. Good old slavey Kentucky. All together now, “The sun shines bright on my old Kentucky home, ’tis summer, the darkies are gay!”
State of Franklin
Two words: Sex. Symbol. Dude slayed Parisian gash like Michael slayed that dragon.
In August 1784, settlers from what would become Northeast Tennessee succeeded from North Carolina. In 1785, they attempted to get “Frankland” admitted as the 14th state by the Continental Congress, but fell short of the 2/3 majority needed under the rigidly unworkable Articles of Confederation. The settlers even offered to change the name to Franklin, after Ben Franklin, but Ben passed, apparently not realizing the sexy opportunities presented by having a state named after you. Let’s go to Ida Ho for comment. ”Hello? Yes. Ida? Are you there?” “Herro! I here! Yes, name state bring me much preasure!” Thank you Ms. Ho for that stereotypical response, and may I say what beautiful rabbit teeth you have.
Who run Bartertown? Master Blaster run Bartertown, for he who wears the cod piece run Bartertown.
Once the attempt at statehood failed, the area became an independent republic, officially named “Franklin” because fuck Ben Franklin. Oswald Cobblepot-looking mother fucker. The government adopted a boiler-plate constitution and established itself in Greeneville, the small town where drunken racist President Andrew Johnson later launched his horribly embarrassing political career. Franklin’s economy used the barter system, a model later adopted by the mutant residents of Tina “Aunt Entity” Turner’s post-apocalyptic Mecca, Bartertown.
Shhh. Watch Donkey Hodie child. Sleep.
In 1788, the savage Cherokee, Chickamauga, and Chickasaw nations, after several years of suffering whitey playing government in their midst, began murdering white people indiscriminately, a favor which would be repaid when we murdered all of them indiscriminately. Like latch-key kids playing house when Mr. McFeely drops by with a “speedy delivery” (his dong), the settlers suddenly realized that being independent kind of blows, and reached out to Spain for support. North Carolina had had enough, and ordered its officials to arrest Franklin Governor John Sevier and drive Squanto out. North Carolina ceded the area to the U.S. Government to satisfy Revolutionary War debts, which became part of the Southwest Territory and eventually Tennessee, hell hole.
The Republic of West Florida
Actual picture of Bonnie's white star. The blue skin? Inbreeding, delicious inbreeding.
In 1810, disagreements with the Spanish government led American and English settlers to declare the area between the Mississippi and Perdido Rivers and South of the 31st parallel (the head of Florida’s penis) the Republic of West Florida, though the area did not actually include any portion of present-day Florida. On Sept. 23, 1810, rebels overcame the Spanish garrison at Baton Rouge and unfurled the “Bonnie Blue Flag” of the Republic, a single star on a blue field. Bonnie had a white star. She was very clean. It was glorious.
He is risen! Let us pray. "Let hip hop keep blazing the charts. May the past keep a warm spot in your heart. May the future hold more joy than pain. Hands in the air waiting for confetti to rain." Will-en-ium!
The Republic’s constitution was based on the U.S. Constitution, with the curious exception of requiring that all citizens observe the “Willenium,” celebrating the coming of their savior, mommy rap luminary Will Pinkett-Smith. The first and only governor, Fulwar Skipwith, a former U.S. diplomat whose popular campaign slogan, “Don’t Skip Fulwar” won him the governorship, foresaw the possibility of U.S. annexation. He was right. On October 27, 1810, President James Madison annexed parts of West Florida, claiming the region as part of the Louisiana Purchase.
Deputy Ronnie don't negotiate with terrorists, strangers, liberals, or girls! I am so hard right now.
Governor Skipwith opposed annexation, preferring to negotiate terms to join the union. The U.S., however, following a precursor to Ronnie Reagan’s “Don’t Negotiate with Terrorists” policy, refused to recognize the legitimacy of the government, prompting an incensed Fulwar Skipwith to declare he was ready to die in defense of the Bonnie Blue Flag and Bonnie’s tasty white star, of course. Skipwith and friends, cowards all, backed down and accepted Madison’s proclamation.
Spain eventually ceded all of Florida, except Miami, to the U.S. in the Adams-Onís Treaty (1819), and in 1822, the Florida Territory was established.
Republic of Indian Stream
The Republic of Indian Stream (July 1832-1835) was a small, unrecognized, yet constitutional republic – dammit! – along the section of the U.S.-Canada border that divides Quebec from New Hampshire. The establishment of Indian Stream resulted from the ambiguous boundary between the two nations as defined in the Treaty of Paris. Both countries claimed the area, and sent in tax-collectors and debt-collecting sheriffs. Americans hate taxation, especially double taxation, and the “Streamers,” real OG Tea Partiers all, formed the Republic to end this injustice.
RIP you beautiful round patriot.
In 1835, a group of “Streamers,” led by anti-Canada patriot John “Bud Boomer” Candy, invaded Canada to commit the “most serious of all” Canadian crimes, littering, and to free a fellow citizen who had been arrested by Dudley Do-Right for an unpaid debt and faced confinement in a Canadian prison. Canadian money is worthless and their prisons are made of marshmallow, but the freedom fighters worried about the Frogs’s penchant for fresh American butts.
Ho Ho! We love your butts!
The smell of rape wafting down from the North, Boomer’s Boys sprung into action. The posse shot up a judge’s home where their compatriot was being held, touching off an international incident. The British, having learned their lesson after the American Revolution and War of 1812, quickly backed down and relinquished their claim. In 1835, the New Hampshire militia occupied the area after the Indian Stream Congress authorized annexation to the United States.
The Mormon Kingdom on Beaver Island
Spurned by April O'Neill, Strang forced his wives to wear yellow jumpsuits.
Thank you Amerijesus for your crazy followers! When dum-dum Joseph Smith died, most Mormons considered Brigham Young his successor. Others inexplicably followed James J. Strang, founder of the Strangite sect of the LDS. In 1848, Strang and his Strangites moved to Beaver Island, the largest island in Lake Michigan, and established their “utopia,” which surprisingly did not resemble the Foot Clan’s stronghold in “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” enforcing strict no skateboarding/teen smoking/karate brawl policies. Once he entered the “Beaver,” as nobody called it, Strang, overcome by beaver fever, a less virulent strain of Beber fever, declared himself a polygamist, a practice which he had previously opposed, taking 5 wives and siring 15 stranglings.
Namesake of the "Amelia Bloomer Least Likely to Fuck on Third Date Award."
In 1850, Strang proclaimed himself king, not of the island, but of his church. Although Strang claimed to only reign over the Strangites, he exerted authority over the non-Strangite residents of Beaver Island, who regularly accused him of seizing their property and physically assaulting them, sometimes with a canon. Strang’s increasingly autocratic style of rule eventually led to dissension in the Strangite ranks. When two women refused to wear bloomers, a loose-fitting trouser and skirt combo named after women’s rights and temperance advocate, fun-Nazi Amelia Bloomer, as required by royal edict, Strang had their husbands flogged. The mortified husbands assassinated Strang by shooting him in the back. Buford Tannen would be proud.
What? Can't a brother touch his nipple?
In July 1856, after Strang ascended into heaven as a result of his earthly wounds, mobs from neighboring islands drove the Strangites from the Beav like R. Kelly’s smooth R & B phallus realizing its slam piece is of age, snuffing the Mormon Kingdom. Believing that LDS leaders were chosen by angels, Strang refused to appoint a successor. Amazingly, this didn’t happen, and the Strangites fled to Wisconsin, where they continue to “exist” today.
